Miss Sunflower

I used to keep a journal. Somebody told me the other day that blogging was stupid. That everyone should just keep their own thoughts in their own journal, ideally for nobody to find. So I picked up my journal hoping to find something written with conviction. Something that would catch me off guard and be perfect for right now, in this blog entry. I picked up the newest journal I had. It was made by a good friend by hand and given to me as a birthday gift by another girlfriend. The first page I opened to had this written:
"NO PEEKING"
I replied, "Hm."

Back home, kids play in the leaves in the park, She wants to play a game of hearts.

I wanted my first post to explain the title of my blog, but I have been putting it off because it means a lot of things to me. How can I do this...

fall (fôl)

v. fell (fl), fall·en (fôln), fall·ing, falls

v.intr.

1. To drop or come down freely under the influence of gravity.

2. To drop oneself to a lower or less erect position

3. a) To lose an upright or erect position suddenly.

b) To drop wounded or dead, especially in battle.

4. To go or come as if by falling

5. To come to rest; settle.

6. To hang down

7. To be cast down

8. To assume an expression of consternation or disappointment

9. To undergo conquest or capture, especially as the result of an armed attack

10. a) To experience defeat or ruin

b) To lose office

11. To slope downward

12. a) To lessen in amount or degree

b) To decline in financial value

13. To diminish in pitch or volume

14. a) To give in to temptation; sin.

b) To lose one's chastity.

15. To pass into a particular state, condition, or situation: fell silent; fall in love.

16. To occur at a specified time

17. To occur at a specified place

18. To come, as by chance

19. a) To be given by assignment or distribution

b) To be given by right or inheritance.

20. To be included within the range or scope of something.

21. To come into contact; strike.

22. To apply oneself

NOUN: fall - the season when the leaves fall from the trees


It is not suprising to me that such a beautiful season can bring about certain emotions, however it maybe posess a bit of irony in it's name. The word fall has many contradicting ways it can be used. People can fall in or out of love, for example, which goes from one extreme emotion to the next. But I guess it all just comes down to losing your footing, finding yourself in a state different from before. Like a leaf changing from green to orange, falling from the branch it so comfortably held onto for so long. That little leaf falls without any control, and its so beautiful when it does. My heart is falling right along with that little leaf, and I can only hope that somebody finds it, picks it up and keeps it safe.

The Objective Case Of I

It seems as though my inspiration for starting a blog has left me as quickly as it came. It's hard to completely put yourself out there to the world in your own creative way when you don't know who is reading or if your own type of creativity is being appreciated. There is a fine line between sililoquy and monologue and i think I am riding that line. To me a blog is a tricky way of self-discovery or reflection, because as much as people are being open/honest/raw, they are writing for people to read and are therefore projecting themselves in a way that they want to be perceived by the outside world. It leaves me wondering if I am really doing this for me. I have always evaluated my worth through the opinions that other people have of me, and it is a sort of flaw that I am trying to overcome. I have based my happiness on how happy I make other people for as long as my mind can recall and I would love to find comfort in just me. I have to figure out who me is first, whether that ever really happens for anyone, whoever is reading this is taking that journey with me.